Things aren't really going very well for me this year.
CNY will suck, that's for sure.
More bad things will come my way, i'll have to make sure that i have full use of the days i don't have bad things happening to enjoy before i face the worse days to come.

My road ahead will be full of rocks and thorns, but i will walk hard.
And smoke and drink harder, of course.


Anyway... here's some thoughts.

Sometimes i just sit in front of the laptop and end staring at the wallpaper for too long a while.
The one from the recent camp.

I guess i'm still refusing to accept the truth. That everybody's changing.

And as the song goes, i just don't feel the same.

I mean, yeah sure, i get by along life just fine. But the clinging feeling. The compulsive thought on my face, and unknowingly smiling to myself on the train as i occasionally take the train to Dover. It just says it all.

I can't let go. Even knowing that i'll probably not talk and just hang behind like a ghost, i'd still want to go back to the days we had together.

But the reality is simple. Everyone have already moved on, to each of our different paths. Some worse, some better, some with one pal or two, some with their personal little cliques, some alone.

Once in a blue moon everyone meets up, has a bit of fun, but that's about it, i guess.

You and I know quite well. Nobody's saying it; i myself personally is still living in the past, but it's happening.

But i guess, the great thing about it is that, at least we'll still have things to share, things to talk about, still a few more times of fun together. I've heard of many cliques falling apart; differences that never resolve, and such.

These three years were the best and worse years of my life. Honestly speaking.
A few chances i was given but i never cherished it.
1000 dreams i had but never fulfilled.
And some which i tried to fulfill; but it ended up in a fiasco.
My reputation( if you can call it a reputation) has gone from nobody to average to hated to average to laughing stock to outcast to nobody again.

You can already call me the secret unlockable character.
Like the roadside cigarette butt; oblivious to all who knows, and a comment or two if forced to notice.

But why, still, every time i walk into the club, i start stifling a smile?