Muse Of The Day: What will the future hold for me?

23 days since i last posted.

Bad news. Army would PROBABLY wait till next year, which sucks, because it means i have to sit around and do nothing.

I mean, yeah, i could work like a madman, but knowing myself, i'll probably never do that, and never alone. But what my friends are doing are probably correct. Knowing me, I wouldn't dare to share a job with them, because i, being a ridiculously ill-disciplined boy ( i don't even dare to use the word "man"), will drop off work after a while. I'm very ashamed of myself when i do that, and yes, i wish i could be like the rest of the world. Perhaps that is why they don't approach me in the first place; they know me better than anyone else in the world.

But life as a layabout sucks. It makes me feel bad about myself, i want to go to army, and come out and finish my education. You may laugh all you like, and i know it's ironic, but like i said before, i can't do without exams; that feeling that you might pass if you study hard enough the few days before, not having to feel shitty because all of your classmates can either draw better, model better, program better, or is simply way geekier than you can ever be. I remember how fucked up i use to feel whenever i handed up my assignments. There's always someone better than you. Yes, i know this applies to every other diploma as well, but something staring me so straight in the face is really depressing.

I swore to myself that i will not forsake my education; and i will do it. But for how long must i wait, for the day to arrive? The future for me seems so bleak and far away, like a distant dream. And everytime i hear my friends talk about their schools and exams, i just feel so...

...so alone.

Maybe i can tease a while, and say," Haha, i have no exams!", but deep down, the person and i know that who is the person truly be teased. I would have gave anything to switch places with that person, to live a normal enough life, where your parents provide for you, they support you for school, they let you have a room, they give you pocket money, they, in general, feel like your parents.

Please don't get me wrong, i'm not blaming my life, nor my mother, nor my friends. I'm just sometimes jealous. I know you all might say, " Eh, Kenneth, stop complaining like your life is so hard la. You're really shen zai fu zhong bu zhi fu sia. People have worse off lives than you. And you're so blessed to have such good friends, who cares about you. Everything that you are now is because of your own doing. _|_" (I already can think of one person speaking to me exactly like that.)

Well, i'm really sorry that i don't have a comeback to that, honestly. But trade shoes with me for a week, live in my house for a week, be my mother's son for a week, and if you still say the same thing, i would gladly stop complaining for the rest of my life. If it wasn't for some of the greatest friends i've ever seen in my life, I'd already be dead. I'm not joking.

Everything that i have now, is thanks to my friends, and sometimes myself, with a little luck. I still thanks the above for the things i have, and sometimes i pray for a while, hoping that the little fortress i have won't come crashing down. And maybe the future for me would be brighter, just for a little, so that my friends would feel it was indeed worth it, to help a fellow like me, not just doing a act of charity.

I'm just human.